instead of radio silence

I want to have a baby.

Of course I want to be in love and have a baby with someone, but right now, I am 36 and single. What choice do I have?

I realize not everyone feels this way and I don't give a shit. I often envy people like that, but I don't relate.

I have some major decisions to make. And soon. Do you know how difficult this is? Dating isn't easy when you're 30 but it is a hell of a lot harder when you're 36. It feels likes its too late, so why bother? Yet I keep trying.

I have a lot of decisions to make.

cliches and cyberspace

It was one of those Mondays. Not the kind I hate, but the kind where I decide I'm going to get back on track. First I got my period. A cyclical blank slate. So I needed to reign a few things in and let the rest out.

I decided I needed to start tracking my eating and exercising. Somehow this puts me at ease. My cast would be coming off next week so I would be able to worry less about doing too much. I knew I needed to start writing again. Have some faith in my self and the confidence to do what I want to do. Mostly for myself, but if someday it was for someone else too, that would be great.

I had been at a party recently and I heard these girls talking about a friend of theirs who was blogging her "journey through fertility", and their eyes rolled almost in unison.

I get how it seems pathetic and a little to out there, not to mention cliche, but it is what she needs to do to make it through. And there is an audience for everything. If no one else, she is her own audience, but I'd be willing to bet it is cliche for a reason. For those who have gone through something like that, it is just about all they can think about. It's comforting to be able to google key words that describe your own predicament and find others - a few of whom even write eloquently about it. Isn't that what art is all about?

time

Jess, called me at the hospital. He told me he needed to talk to me. It was important, but it couldn't be over the phone. He needed to see me in person.

I told him I would be home over the holidays.

"It can't wait", he said. "Maybe I should fly in for the weekend".

I wasn't sure how to respond. My mind raced.

I told him I had a patient and that I would have to call him later. I knew what he wanted and for the first time my answer wasn't automatically "no".

That night I thought a lot about him.

I called him the next day. He was in a meeting.

"I'll call you back", he told me.

My heart sank. I told myself I was overreacting but then he didn't call.

I texted him the next day.

"Did you forget about me?"

"I could never forget about you", came his response moments later. "I just need time to think".

golden rules

Too much of a good thing is just no good at all. Too much sleep makes you feel worse than not enough. Anything all the time loses its lustre and I am just coming to that realization.

I broke my hand and my macbook on the same day. I sent the bulk of the summer between a cast in 30+ degree weather and paying for laptop repairs. I felt bad for myself and the budget I had been keeping to so closely. I wasn't exercising as much and I was eating whatever I felt like eating. I love trying out new restaurants and I started going to all of the new hip restaurants I had on my to do list. I ate too much, spent too much and drank too much.

At first it was fun, but then every night starts to blend into the next. All the food starts to taste the same. The wine seems to be the anchor for every activity and before you know it my summer seems to have turned into one hot mess of everything I like and none of it feels that great anymore. On top of that I still haven't managed to open myself up to someone who isn't my therapist. Part of me wonders if I didn't have him maybe I would be forced into finding intimacy in a real relationship.

So this is my plan, and I feel better already for having come to it: I ate mostly fresh fruits and veggies today, so that always helps. And I know I will truly enjoy the things I love when I don't have them every day. So I'm going to start tracking my food and my budget again, at least for a little while to get back to where I was. I'm going to take a little time off of going out. I'm not going to have wine all the time. I am going to sleep without medication. I'm going to focus on real relationships; the good ones too. Less emphasis on the extraneous noise.

This is my cleanse or diet or whatever you want to call it.

(1) Focus on whole foods.

(2) Not too much of anything.

(3) No ban on anything.

(4) Get exercise and fresh air every day.

(5) Be around people who bring out the best in me.

(6) Bring my best to anything I do.

I haven't felt this clear headed in a while. I feel like I have all of the ingredients to make the most out of my time on this planet.

For the first time in a long time I feel something I haven't ever felt before and the only way to describe it is a sort of love for myself. True love for my own being and the body wrapped around it. I'm emotional about it.

Just a few days ago I felt so dead inside. I hope this feeling stays with me because it feels like anything is possible and that I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to do anything unless I choose to. It's ok to feel good, so much so that I don't have to gobble it up in a split second. I know the well isn't going to run dry. I'm not sure how, but I do.

old hard words

If you kept a diary as a kid or as a teenager you know how reading back can be mortifying.

The beauty of blogging is that you can go back and edit out the things that make you cringe with a delete button. I'm sure there are copies of the original somewhere in the mysterious internet where nothing is ever truly gone, but it's a hell of a lot easier than ripping out pages which is what I did with one of my adolescent diaries when I was in my late 20s.

Now when I look back at my little red paisley notebook, seeing the stubs from all the missing pages is a constant reminder of something vaguely pathetic that I can't even recall. It's like not being able to find the source of a bad smell.

It's hard to differentiate between free will and lack of responsibility. I am never sure if saying no is justified. There is always this little kid in me that feels like I'm being bad and so I do what others expect because I feel I have no choice. And it is always shocking to me...and frightening and liberating when I have the realization that in fact I am an adult, and I am perfectly entitled to say no to almost anything.

But "everything has a price".

And indeed my mother's words still ring true. The only difference is that now my survival isn't quite so much at stake.

Back then I had nowhere to go. No one to provide the necessities of life. Growing up in an upper middle class family it would seem that I should never have felt that things like that were on the line, but I did. That was the only leverage she had.

Now on a bad day even the wind feels life threatening. It all seems so dangerous. But the truth is, now I am my own enemy.

I am the only thing that comes between me and my saying "no".

new

Every night I floss my teeth.
Sometimes in the day too
But only if I get a piece of an orange or a mango stuck in my teeth.
I go to work, get home and go for a run.
I cook dinner
One of my biggest accomplishments lately
Is that I've gotten my eating under control.
Now when I look in the mirror
I don't recognize myself.
And I like it.